How To Start The Journey of Adoption-8 Steps
In the Spring of 2020, my husband sat me down and told me he was ready to consider adoption. I was shocked, thrilled, and ready to dive right in! I had no idea where to begin, so as you’re probably doing now, I grabbed my laptop and got to work Googling. It was information overload; talk about overwhelming!
Since successfully adopting our son, I’ve had a few people reach out to me asking about the process. I’ve seen time and time again in adoption-related Facebook groups people frantically asking, “Where do I even start?!”
There’s not a simple answer to that one because in reality, there’s SO MUCH that needs to be done before really starting the process.
That’s where these 8 Steps to Help You Start Your Adoption Journey come in. These steps are meant to guide you in beginning your adoption journey, and they’ll require you to do some work, but trust me when I say, it’ll all be worth it.
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1-Prepare for a Rollercoaster
Whether adoption has always been your first choice in expanding your family, you’re dealing with infertility/loss, or you want to add a sibling to your family, this adoption process is going to be a rollercoaster. There’s lots of highs, lots of lows, and you constantly feel like you’re in that long trek up the highest hill on the coaster, listening to the click-clack of the wheels on the track.
If you haven’t taken the time or put in the energy to heal from infertility or loss, I highly recommend you take that time before diving into this.
I personally didn’t take much time…jumping in was my way of dealing with things. Looking back, I do think that made my emotions more heightened once we were receiving situations and were being shown to expectant mothers. Do as I say, not as I did–process and heal beforehand!
Mentally prepare yourself to read some situations of expectant moms that are heartbreaking. You will likely come across expectant mothers who are on drugs. You’ll probably read situations where the mother is homeless. These are just a couple things we came across in our journey, more than once.
Mentally prepare yourself to not be chosen, probably more than once. I didn’t think I’d get chosen our first time being shown to a mom, but when we were in her top three, my hope did get higher.
Mentally prepare yourself to wait. The average wait time within the US is 9-12 months. Keep in mind, this can (and does) vary greatly based on your preferences, type of adoption, etc. Many people have shorter adoption journeys and many people have longer ones; prepare for both.
If you don’t think you’re in the space to do these things, then right now might not be your time to start this process, or maybe you’d benefit from seeing a therapist while going through it. Any extra help and support you can get through the adoption journey is worth it in my book!
2- Research, Research, and then Research More!
If you’re reading this, then you’ve already begun this step-YAY! There is a lot to learn about the adoption process and where to get started. You need to look at many different sources in order to form your own understanding and knowledge of adoption. Try to find adoption stories from all sides of an adoption (birth mom, adoptive parents, adoptees, etc.) by looking at blogs, following Instagram accounts, reading books, and listening to podcasts.
I do recommend finding some Facebook groups to join, but also add this with caution tape around it. These groups can be full of helpful information, but they can also be filled with horror stories and negativity.
You may know someone who has adopted or who was adopted; that person is a great resource for you to gain more perspective.
Some specific items that you should research more on your own include: appropriate adoption lingo, costs of adoption, risks, timelines, questions you should ask (agency/consultant, expectant mom), and red flags.
Book recommendations:
In On It: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption (this is the perfect gift to give to family members!)
What White Parents Should Know About Transracial Adoption
Adopting in America: How to Adopt Within One Year
The Complete Adoption Book: Everything You Need to Know to Adopt a Child
Blessed By Adoption
Podcast recommendations:
The Adoptee Next Door
Born in June Raised in April: What Adoption Can Teach the World
The Honestly Adoption Podcast
Adopt Well Podcast
The Infant Adoption Guide Podcast
The Adoption Connection
The Adoption Files
Instagram Account Recommendations:
@kendallmariah
@jeenawilder
@evermoreadoptions
@zachariahcastillo
@katiesturgeon
@makingandfakingitmama
3. Decide What Type of Adoption
There are pros and cons to the various types of adoptions.
First, narrow it down by deciding if you want to adopt internationally or domestically. There are cost differences, as well as wait time differences. If you’re going the international route, you’ll want to look into the specific area of the world you’d prefer to adopt from to see their adoption policies and procedures.
Next, decide if you’d like to adopt through the foster care system or through private adoption. Along with this, I’d say you need to determine what age you’d want to adopt. Again, these are personal decisions based on many factors and will change the costs and wait times.
After that’s all decided, it’s time to think about what’s best for you and your family in terms of having a closed, open, or semi-open adoption. A closed adoption means there will be no further contact with the birth family after placement. An open adoption can look differently in each situation, but the gist is that there’s direct contact between the birth mother, adoptive family, and the child. For us, this entails texts with our son’s birth mom and one annual visit. A semi-open adoption typically means there’s some form of keeping in touch with the birth mom, but it runs through a 3rd party, like someone from the agency.
4. Have In-Depth Conversations with Your Spouse/Partner (if you’re not adopting single)
Adopting child, no matter the age, is an incredibly meaningful decision. It is essential to have in-depth and sometimes tough conversations with your partner. You need to have open and honest dialogue about your expectations for the adoption process before taking the plunge. First, consider your readiness-both as individuals and a couple- to take on the emotional and financial responsibilities of both adoption and parenthood.
You should strongly talk to your partner and agree on your preferences. Are you both on board to adopt outside of your own race? How do you feel about fetal drug and alcohol exposure? These are also things you can discuss with your adoption professional. Have conversations about what age(s) you’d be willing to adopt. Would you be open to adopting twins or siblings? These are all important pieces that should be decided upon before you start trying to match with an expectant mother.
Beyond this, you should develop a plan for raising the child. Obviously things can change, but make sure you’re on the same page in terms of childcare and how to handle potential behavioral issues. One of the most important things to talk about is how you plan to explain the unique circumstances of the child’s adoption to them.
There are many more items that will be important to discuss, so it’s crucial to continue having ongoing conversations throughout the adoption process.
5. Get Ready for the Home Study
Instead of location, location, location-when it comes to the adoption home study it’s more like documents, documents, documents! Even before finding your home study provider, I highly recommend that you start to locate and scan certain documents into your computer to have them ready to go! You will also probably need them if/when you sign on with a consultant and/or agency.
Documents may include background checks, birth certificates, proof of financial stability, health screenings, pet records, reference letters, and copies of your IDs. These are items you can gather ahead of time to make the home study process go quicker and more smoothly. Your specific home study group will provide you with a full list of items you need. You may also be required to complete pre-adoption courses/education.
The adoption home study process also usually includes interviews, as well as an in-home assessment. You do not need to have a baby-ready house!! They just want to make sure your home is suitable for a child, as in you have room for one and there are no safety concerns.
6. Create a Budget/Financial Plan
Crating a budget/financial plan when starting the process of adoption is essential. It’s important to know the costs associated with the adoption upfront and plan accordingly. Consider the costs related to agency fees, lawyer fees, travel, time off work, and any other potential costs related to the adoption. If you haven’t already, start allocating a certain portion of your income toward the adoption and have a budgeted reserve to cover unexpected expenses.
You can also look into grants and sources that can help you pay for the adoption. There are adoption loans that are out there, as well as certain credit cards that could be useful. Check into your employee health insurance benefits. Some companies provide a reimbursement for adoption costs! Many people put together fundraisers to help with the high costs of adoption. There are tons of ways to go about this!
Doing your research and establishing a financial plan early on will help ensure a smooth and successful adoption process. You want to be ready with funds TODAY in case your match happens early, in my opinion!
7. Look into What Avenue of Adoption You’d Like to Pursue
Before starting the adoption process myself, I just assumed the only way to adopt outside of foster care was through an agency. After doing my own research, I learned that’s far from reality! For better or worse, it’s another decision that needs to be looked into and decided upon. Outside of foster care, you can adopt using an agency, a consultant service, a lawyer or you can self-match.
There are tons of agencies out there! You don’t have to only focus on ones nearby to where you live. Adoption agencies have different requirements for you to be “accepted.” For example, some are religious-based. With an agency, you’ll be required to pay a decent amount upfront. The specifics as to what that money goes towards should be outlined by the agency and provided to you before you decide to sign on with them.
Nowadays the adoption world has adoption consultants. A consultant is basically a middleman/woman who provides guidance throughout the adoption process, and presents situations from agencies, stork drops, and lawyers. There is an upfront cost, but it is minimal in comparison to joining an agency right away. Through consultants, you’re able to see and apply to many more expectant moms. Once matched, you then pay whatever the adoption fee is from the source the expectant mom came from. We ended up using a consultant company and with 100% certainty I can say it was well worth it!
You could decide to work directly with an adoption lawyer. I don’t know as much about this side, but it is another avenue in which you could adopt. Adoption lawyers typically have less restrictions in terms of who they work with compared to agencies.
Lastly, you can adopt through self-matching. This entails you putting yourself out there without the assistance and guidance of an agency, consultant, or lawyer. There are many ways to go about this, but one that’s becoming more popular is the use of certain websites/apps. You do need to be especially aware of red flags when trying to self-match; sadly, there are a lot of scammers within the adoption world. One app we were able to try out while with our consultants was PairTree.
In the end, we actually matched through our home study social workers. She has a lot of connections and would sometimes present situations in a private Facebook group that we could apply to. Though our match didn’t come from our consultants, they were still there through our adoption finalization helping us every step of the way!
8. Create Your Profile Book/Profile Video
This was the fun part for me! When you decide you want to “apply” to an expectant mom, your adoption profile book and/or profile video will be shown. This is basically your resume and that mama-to-be will likely be judging your book by its cover!
An adoption profile book/video is a chance to get your story, values, and lifestyle across to prospective birth parents. It should capture your personality through photos, as well as information about you. You can include family information, statements about your hopes for the future, activities you enjoy, and other meaningful details. The whole point is to allow the birth parent(s) to get an accurate sense of who you are. It’s a great way to show them that their child is going to a loving, safe home that can provide them with security, stability, and unconditional love.
You can create your own adoption profile book using a free website like Canva (or you can pay for the Canva Pro version to have access to more features). There are photo book templates you could use to help you. You can then use a service, like Mixbook or Snapfish to help you create your adoption profile book.
If you don’t have the time or don’t feel like you’d create the best adoption profile book for yourself, there are companies out that will create them for you, for a cost, of course. Our consultant agency actually coordinates with a profile book company, so look into that as an option, as well! I ended up making ours because I stuff like that, but I will warn you, it is very time-consuming! If I was to do it over, though, I still would create it myself because I feel like that really helped us stand out and was more authentic.
In terms of a profile video, it is not necessary, but I do think it’s nice to have. The birth mother who did end up choosing us still mentions things we had in our video to this day! I think having a profile video set us apart from other families. We included us facing the camera talking about why we want to adopt, some video clips and pictures from our lives, and other important narration throughout. It was pretty easy to create this video and again, I really think it was worth it!
Phew, that’s a lot of information, but I truly hope you find it to be valuable and helpful as you begin your adoption journey. I wish you the best of luck, and please don’t hesitate to comment or reach out if you have any other questions! 🙂
